I'm Having a Serious Struggle Differentiating the Feeling of Dreaming From Reality.

Just a note to those who are reading this, this isn't anything metaphoric in any sense.


Anyways.

I've simply experienced this type of feeling just today. And come to think of it, I still have this feeling as I'm typing this blog. You still don't know what I'm talking about huh ??

You know when you're drunk, you feel like you're numb and in some ways, you see everything as a blur. It's like feeling like you're hallucinating without actually feeling drunk. Make sense ?? That's the best way to describe what I'm feeling right now. My body feels tired and I have a body high to the point where it actually feels like I'm dreaming. But I'm not.

To those who've ever had a lucid dream before. You're conscious in your dream while you're sleeping, but you're still dreaming. You remember that feeling ?? Well, that's how I'm feeling right now, and it's actually kind of scaring me to be honest.

This is the first time I've ever felt like this. No, I'm not intoxicated by anything right now. No drugs, no prescriptions, nothing. Could it be a sign of food poisoning ?? I don't think so. I've been food poisoned before, but never experienced this. So what could it be then ??

Fall Semester 2009

I figured that for sure I'm taking one of my core math classes in the summer. But I'm decided, I'm going to just save my elective classes for during the fall and spring. I need to have girls in my classes considering how a lot of my classes from here on out, will be majority dude. Not cool. So that's where elective classes come in. I only have three left to use till the end of my fourth year. I doubt I'm gonna use these elective classes in my fourth year, so here's the way I'm picturing it, three elective classes in four semesters (fall, spring of my second and third year).

Anyways, here are the combinations I've found for the classes I'm surely taking. That right there is 15 credits already. BUT, I might want to take one of my elective classes to relieve my sanity from my male-majority classes. I haven't figured out which exact elective class yet, but that'll depend on you guys. Wanna join me in an elective class ??

Here are the combinations …

PHYS 2331 = Gen. Physics 2
PHYS 2341 = Gen. Physics 2 Lab
M E 2032 = Statics
ENGR 3012 = Thermodynamics 1
MATH 3195 = Differential Equations and Linear Algebra

Scenario 1:


Scenario 2:


Scenario 3:


Right now, I'm leading towards scenario 2. Adding one more class wouldn't be a problem there as well considering how open Tuesdays and Thursdays are for that schedule.

Any opinions ??

Triumph and Consummation at What Expense ??

A sudden change in environment resulted me in academic prosperity as well as freedom and independency. I now look forward to going to school now in contrast to how I shook my head at the sound of school just a year ago. I see the same people daily and it's not getting old. In addition to my academic success, I'm organized and meeting deadlines without much complication. So why is my outlook on my life seen as such a quandary at the moment ??

Yepp. This is, yet, a continuation of my search for perfection. I honestly have no true problem with my social life here in Denver. I have no financial problems presently as well. As I look over my laptop, I notice how folders filled with passed tests and papers as well as numerous recommendation letters.

Again, at what cost ?? Yes, I still lost something in return for what I've been achieving. The way I'm looking at it right now though, it would appear that I should be better off with my life currently. Am I though ?? So what is this feeling of abasement and bemusement. I realize what I possess, but why am I still confused at what I actually have ?? This puzzlement's resulting me in such a way that I'm laying down at night, not able to sleep easy despite the fact that I'm jaded. The more I stay home, the more these cries for succor appear in my laptop; contrary to what people believe because of the amount of these entries I actually post to the public. With great triumph, comes a great sacrifice; but with accustomed normality, comes a more prominent and blissful life.

Dead End.

I'm not worried about not being successful in my life. I'm also not worried about pleasing myself socially. What I am worried about is being a failure at what I can't acquire. I believe that I have no problem in getting alternatives of everything. I can't get a nice Bentley, but I can probably acquire a similar vehicle with similar specs. I couldn't get a Mac Book Pro, but I sacrificed certain features and powers in return for other amenities towards a different notebook. I don't get a call back from one job, but get a call back from a job that has better benefits but with less pay. If this is the case, why do I feel like I've hit such a dead end ?? I get so down with failure to acquire something specific but I know I can easily find an alternative, or possibly acquire something better. What's wrong with me ?? This shouldn't be a dead end because my options are branched to so many possibilities; but yet, I still feel like I've hit a brick wall. I promise you, this isn't just about acquire one specific thing; it's about so much more. I'm beginning to finally take notice how many of these luxuries and (for some of these more important targets) necessities I actually have. Around a couple of years ago, I used to think that there are only one MAYBE two things that's wrong in my life (not including my disabilities); that THAT was what was leading me to a dead end.

I believe I totally missed the larger picture of my situation(s) these past couple of years.


And it's finally hit me now. HARD. Now that I'm wiser and am thinking more deeply and rationally, I've opened up my eyes to something worse. Ignorance is bliss, correct ?? As a child, I've always been an ignorant boy; a spoiled brat and somewhat of a know-it-all. The reason why I said "somewhat" is because I wasn't necessarily a know-it-all, but someone that did know a lot, but the things he didn't know, ignorance took him over and made him believe what he wanted. As I've grown older, I stayed this ignorant fool. Things have changed and I don't think it's for the better. Now that I'm thinking deeper and deeper, these walls that have never existed before, I'm now running more recurrently into them despite all these other alternative routes I COULD be taking. I'm trying to avoid these stalemates but it's more burdensome than people realize. What worse is how conflicting the decisions my mind comes up with compared to what my heart suggests me to do.

Working Towards Perfection.

What is most people's purpose in life ?? It's to work towards a perfect life right ??

But when is it ok to give up or have thoughts of giving up ??

When something exceptional happening to me, there's ALWAYS something else awry with my life. I've always understood how money and success doesn't always lead to happiness. But I never actually got to experience much of that until now. No, I'm not a millionaire and I'm not well off financially. But this past year, I realized how much I'm financially stable (with the help of my family, of course). I have just about everything I want possession-wise; electronics, phones, clothes, shoes, whatever. Only things I really lack of, possession-wise, are probably a couple of shirts and shoes I've been eyeing, a new external hard drive (despite the fact that I already have three), and a new car (despite the fact I already have a pretty decent running car with some exterior damages that can easily be fixed). This year as well, I've been flourishing in school. I've been pulling the right strings so far with networking, meeting people at school, and simply doing my work at school. My point is, despite my successes and financial stability I realized that I achieved, I still find myself not as ecstatic and happy as I could be.

Money and success (and sure, a love life) was what I thought I had to pursue last year to fill in the missing components to somewhat perfect my life. During that time, I had gotten close to a lot of my friends and I worked out a lot, which had me result with a nice body, I always had something to do with my friends and all that, and I didn't have much apprehension with bills or whatever cause I lived at home.

What (did I think) was missing?
• Success in school and with independency (yahh, I could've done much more here. I relied a lot on my parent to do everything)
• More possessions I've been eyeing (I couldn't spend as much as I wanted compared to now or I would've gone broke at the time)
• A close relationship with my family (I'll admit, I did a lot of messed up things to my fam. I neglected them throughout last year and was almost never at home. When I was at home, I was usually only there to sleep and eat)

Fast forward to the present. I attained everything I was missing last year. I'm seeing success in school and am working towards independency. I say that cause my parents are still helping me a lot; it's just that I'm not living at home. The majority of the possessions I've been wanting, I've bought. New laptop, new bike, new clothes, new shoes, new watches, new jewelry, new everything. I've also become real close to my fam; more specifically, I've become really close with my sister. With all these progressions, I noticed that I sacrificed much to retrieve these luxuries. My body went bye-bye, I don't go out as much as I did compared to last year, but most importantly, I don't have many close friends anymore. Yes, I still have two close friends and I'm thankful for that. But considering all these relationships that slowly transited from best friends or really close friends to mere hang-out buddies or acquaintances, I'm feeling like I've lost more than I've gained.

One of my good friends told me that ever since he hooked up with his girl, everything in his life seems grand and perfect. Maybe that's what I need. These past couple years, that's what's always been missing in my life, an actual love life. But I think when I find one, which could possibly be within the next couple weeks *cough*, I still have to sacrifice much leaving me at the same place I started.

Right now, I've gotten close to my fam, gotten most of the possessions I've been wanting, and I'm financially stable and doing great in school; things I didn't have just last year. But the year before that, I didn't have those things, but instead had the things I'm without currently. By adding this missing component, I'm going to lose what I have right now, either my successes or my relationship with my fam. I don't know what, but I'm going to lose something to moment I get anything I'm missing in my life.


What do I have to do to perfect my life because I still feel the same way right now compared to this time last year. I'm yet to be any happier than I am now, which I don't think is a good thing. And I know I'm too young to feel this way. This is in no way a blog entry of me complaining about a love life; this is a blog of my complaining how it's impossible for me to ever become happy because I'll always have to sacrifice something in order to acquire something else. Something is wrong with me, but I don't know exactly what it is. I know what's missing in my life, but that still doesn't tell me what's wrong with me and my life. Am I asking for too much ?? Or do I have a wrong outlook at the definition of happiness ?? Cause the way I see myself right now, it's impossible to ever feel totally joyous and content with my life. So to conclude, would these reasons give me enough of an ethical reason to give up if I know it's impossible to achieve a perfect life ??

Sleep and Circadian Rhythm Disorders.

SOURCE: http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/circadian-rhythm-disorders-cause

This isn't good. This past two weeks have been super stressful. I know I say this all the time, but this is probably one of the most stressful episodes I've had in my life thus far. All these things that are happening in my life is keeping me busy (and stressed), which could be a good thing, I guess; but in result, I've been hurting from them. The website where I'm getting all this information from is from The Sleep Medicine Center at The Cleveland Clinic and more specifically, this information was review by Michael W. Smith, MD. So what I'm assuming is that this information is consistent and reliable.

When I was in elementary school, I used to get headaches the hurt so much that I just had to go straight to sleep in order for them to go away. Usually when I sleep, they did go away. I haven't had those kinds of headaches on a consistent basis since. But for the past two weeks now, I've been getting a lot of headaches and they've been lasting for days on end and not going away after some sleep. The weekend I went to the Springs about two weeks ago, I was doing just fine. But the night before going home, I didn't go to sleep. I stayed up till early Monday morning cause I had to catch the FREX to head back home. When I got back to my dorm around 7:00 A.M. that morning, I went to sleep. Thing is, I had to wake up around 8:30 A.M. for class. From there, I didn't go to sleep till around 8:00 P.M. that night. That's when it all started. I woke around midnight a couple of hours later. From there, I didn't go back to sleep till around 4 A.M., waking up around 8-9 A.M. hours later.

Looking into that website, I found that because of my change of routine, I can be considered for this type of disorders. "Circadian rhythm disorders are disruptions in a person's circadian rhythm -- a name given to the "internal body clock" that regulates the (approximately) 24-hour cycle of biological processes in animals and plants." That exactly fits what's happening to me. The specific disorder that fits me is Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, or DSPS in which a person sleeping at different times can pretty much mess up one's sleeping patterns.

Thank goodness though that this could easily be fixed by just adjusting myself to my desired bedtime. Also notice the time I created this blog at lol. And no, it's not because I woke up this early. So I think this is the cause of my headaches that have been killing me these past couple of weeks. For sure, I'll finally be able to get back normal come spring break next week.

Yes, this blog was a little out there, but I needed a break from homework, so I thought I could do a quick research for a reason to why I'm always up this late …. Or early in the morning every night for the past two weeks. Well, that's all for this blog.

P.S. You guys know how most of us will be in spring break at the end of this coming week. Yep, so I'll be coming into the Springs either this Thursday, Friday, or at latest, Saturday. So let's hang when I get in town.

Cross-Blogging.

Well, I think it's to move away from Vox. I find Blogger much more user-friendly compared to Vox despite Vox's superiority over Blogger in terms of amenities and such. So now this will become my main blog site, but for sure, I will still be posting my blogs that I post here on my Vox blog (http://pnoi89.vox.com).